It’s not just me, right? I can’t be the only one who finds herself thwarted week after week in her efforts to bring the family together for dinner. It sounds like a straightforward proposition to cook a meal and then have all family members sitting down (at the same time) at the table to eat it. But somehow this tradition, that used to be a thoughtless, taken-for-granted part of my family’s day has become somehow…..lost.
There are all sorts of reasons for this, good reasons. They may even be the same as your reasons (which are equally as good as mine). Our kids have activities–not a lot, but a few that they really enjoy–and the older they get the more their activities interfere with dinner plans. Some seasons find us with nursing babies or chronic illness flares, both of which trump any pre-scheduled dinner plans. Also, I hardly ever eat the same thing as the rest of the family, and so sitting down together means having their meal and my meal ready at the same time. And then there are the things that I do for stress management and light exercise–yoga, gardening, walking–that must be done between the time that the Sweetie Pie gets home from work and sundown. Good reasons, right? But as I watch my kiddos growing older, and venturing farther and farther afield, I long for a time to draw them back to the table. To sit down and ask questions and really listen to answers. To have family discourse and find out what they think about different areas of life.
Okay, no eye-rolling. I know my kids are young–our oldest is only 9, and my two-year-old certainly doesn’t have any earth-shattering thoughts to share. But when I think about how quickly those 9 years have gone, and how much more quickly the next 9 are going to go, I realize that I have to set the stage now if I want to be a part of their lives in the future. Taking the time to enter into their lives today, to listen while they’re still willing to talk, will make it easier to keep the conversation going once they’re all teenagers and giving me very different head-aches and the stakes are much higher.
So, I’ve made a vow. To make Family Table Night an intentional part of our weekly schedule. I don’t know how long I’ll be doing this. Three months? Six? I hope to keep at it until it doesn’t even have to be an intentional part of the week, it’s just something that IS. A new routine.
And why am I here, telling you about it? Well, it’s partially selfish. I need the accountability. If I announce to cyberspace that I’m doing something, then, for some strange reason, I’m actually more likely to do it.
Another reason is because I know I’m going to feel like quitting, and I’m hoping some of you will be my cheerleaders. Especially you moms who are walking the road a little farther down than I am. Will you please remind me of the joys of eating dinner with small children? Please?? And be sure to remind me quite often. And if you want to come over one evening and give me a pep talk while I’m sweeping up rice off of the floor, please feel free to do so.
I also hope to inspire those of you who are, like me, missing your peeps at the table. Maybe reading about my successes (I hope there are some) and failures (I know there will be many) will encourage you to intentionally carve out an evening together at the table. Maybe you’d like to share with me what you’re doing to gather your flock. Tell me what’s working for you! I’d love to hear it.
I expect these posts to be kinda all over the place–like one, big, noisy, bubbling-over, joyful, and beautiful family, I anticipate that each post will bring something a little different to the discussion. Of course there will be recipes and cookbooks, but I’m also thinking about things like table settings, table games and conversation starters, maybe even...manners. Gasp!
I do know what I will not be writing about. You will not see a single post quoting statistics about how if you’re not eating dinner together your kids will ride motorcycles, be meth addicts, live on the streets, buy tattoos, and get pregnant all by age 12. Family dinner is something you do out of love, not fear.
And you won’t see any posts referencing Amy Vanderbilt’s Complete Book of Etiquette (which I do actually own). But I may occasionally quote from Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior (which sits beside Amy on the shelf). In our house, Miss Manners is the final (snarky) authority on all questions of respectful behavior.
So consider this your invitation to join me on Wednesdays for the next few weeks…or months…or however long this goes on. No need to RSVP, just show up. There’s always room for one more around the table.
I grew up in a house where we ate around the tv and never talked. I hated it with a passion. By the time I was 10, I was eating alone in the kitchen at the table, sometimes with a book and sometimes not. As an adult, I have mandated family dinner time. There just are no questions. :)
That said, our almost-7 year old twins are in swimming this year, and 3 to 5 nights a week they are rushing out the door somewhere near to dinner. Usually it’s before dinner, which is good – the hubby takes them and I get time to do dishes and make food. Wednesdays they don’t go until later, which cramps dinner style sometimes, as we’re used to eating about the time they’re leaving for swim. Still… I manage. Fridays are our night off – we eat while watching a movie together or whatever, and we don’t stress over the table. But on Sundays it’s proper “Sunday dinner” time again.
How do I do it? Well… long experience. I get grumpy if people don’t all sit down to dinner. I make it known. It may not be the most positive way to deal with it, but if “sitting down and eating good food” equals happy times and positive reinforcement (and often, dessert), and “running on different schedules” equals me being grumpy and slamming things around, they’ll go for the positive. :)
We have dinner rules, too. We always say “thank yous” at our table. Not necessarily prayers, although people are welcome to pray if they wish – our family is multi traditional on the religion front, so it’s often you’ll hear a thanks to Greek gods right aside a fervent offer of thanks to Jesus. :) But we always say “Thank you for…” and then something positive from that day. Even if it’s the only time, EVERYONE in our house gives one positive comment each day. It’s made a huge difference, imo.
At dinner we all use forks and knives and spoons as appropriate. We use napkins or paper towels and not sleeves. We rarely serve in stove pots – I put food onto stonewear platters and into serving bowls. Soup and stew might come “in the pot” to the table, but condiments will be in pretty bowls. :) I try to make the time at the table incredibly pleasant (part of that “more flies with sugar” thing). I also go around the family each week, and ask what they want for dinner one night. So you might only get one “favorite” a week but you’re almost guaranteed to get something you really love at least once. It helps the kids feel important, too, and often they help with the cooking.
The one thing *I* have fallen down in, is that I wanted twins to be setting and clearing the table, and I haven’t followed through on it. That’s something that needs to be happening again. So I guess that’ll be MY little project for the week!
Good luck!
It is important. My kids don’t like eating dinner alone (they’ve told me so), even though they’ve been known to eat and quickly leave the table even when the whole family is there. They don’t like accidentally missing family dinner — they’ve told me that also. For us, it’s one of the few times we’re all five together (except in front of the tv, and that is definitely not as valuable). Now that my youngest is 8, I will often have family dinner after practices rather than feed the kids early, or pack dinner for the non-players to eat at the field (which I did when they were smaller). My kids eat better food when they have two adults to model eating “strange” food. And we have discussions that we might never have otherwise. Of course not every dinner is the best — that’s why it’s important to keep going, and make it part of the family expectations.
Now if they would only change that Yoga time to later.
My dilemma in a nutshell.
I know how crucial it is to have the family meal (and we do have them). . but I find myself selfish with “me time”. If I don’t get my “me time” in i.e., YOGA . . .me is not very happy . . and me is not a good mommy either.
Oh . . the dilemma . .
Janeen